Interview: God

AnonymityAt first, I wanted to do a mock debate with god, but that wasn’t really functional, so instead, I’m going to go the interview route. In my last interview, I addressed mental illness and it’s affect and perception by someone who was bipolar. Keeping with the mental illness concept, please welcome God. This is so blasphemous, I kind of expect death threats.
First, thanks for agreeing to do this. Now let’s clarify. Which god are you?

I am.
You are… which? Yahweh? Zeus? Allah? Vishnu?

I’m just fucking with you. I’m Yahweh.
Ah. The vengeful yet merciful god.

Don’t forget, all powerful, all knowing, and always present.
Oh right. So one question I’ve always had for you, is why you allow suffering. Are you not able to stop it, don’t know about it, or just don’t care?

You people are never happy. I give you this nice planet to live on, which you promptly destroy. I give you wondrous landscapes that you take for granted, and orgasms. But NoooOOOooooo. You want me to solve all your problems, too.
Well as the saying goes, “With great power comes great responsibility.” It seems that you just created everything, then said “fuck it” and left. Don’t you feel a little responsible?

There are billions of people in your universe. I don’t have time to save you all.
Aren’t you outside of time? Do you want some of us to suffer? Especially starving children in third world countries?

Look. Off the record, there are too many of you fuckers. Thank Me, I invented that death thing after Adam and Eve couldn’t follow that one simple rule.
Why was that, anyway? What’s so wrong with knowledge?

I’ll let you in on a little secret. You know how I’m always worried about who is having sex with who, and how they do it? I’m super into that. When Adam and Eve ate from the tree, they gained the knowledge that I’m kind of a pervert. So I had to smite them.
That makes so much more sense. I thought it was because the smarter someone is, the less likely they are to believe in you.

That too.
So why did you make us if we’re such a huge disappointment?

I was lonely. You have no idea what it’s like listening to Jesus spout his hippy “love one another” shit all eternity long. I needed a distraction. Plus it gave me an excuse to get 30+ years away from him.
If you could impart one lesson onto humans, what would it be?

Don’t fuck with me. Nah, actually, it’s this. How can you expect me to love, or even tolerate you peons, if you can’t love or tolerate each other? Why do you keep making Me look like the bad guy when you blame your bigotry on Me?
I take it, you’re not a fan of the Westboro Baptists?

Ugh. Those lunatics are the worst. I said not to “lay with another man”. As in don’t take naps. I was trying to speak out against laziness, but these idiots read far too much into it. Also, you have to admit, those signs are quite artsy. One could say, “fabulous”. But to be clear, I don’t hate anyone. Not even Lucifer. He’s my arch nemesis, and I still let him torture Job for shits and giggles.
Well that’s good to hear. What about apostates and atheists?

Look. I get it. The whole story is really hard to believe. And I guess I haven’t done all I could do to prove My existence. At this point, I don’t even care if you believe in Me or not. As long as you treat each other with respect and compassion, that’s enough for Me.
What about hell?

Hell’s just a concept. It’s a way to frighten children and dumb people. Left to their own vices, your ancestors were amazingly adept for destruction, so I had to come up with some sort of deterrent. I think you’ve evolved enough now that you can move beyond fear.
Speaking of which, is evolution real?

Of course. Do you really think I’m going to spend all this time single handedly manipulating DNA every time a living thing procreates? It’s not like I can trust an angel with that. All they can do is sing My praises and deliver My messages.
Do you ever talk to humans? Like when people claim you told them to do something, or had a vision or whatever, what’s your explanation?

People are gullible. I mean Eve took dietary advice from a snake. When people feel unimportant, they make stories up to seem special. Though My favorite, is when they claim that they don’t want the extra attention. Plus it’s been established, in My diary, that I don’t talk directly to lesser creatures. I use My angels to do that. And the rest, the ones who actually do hear voices or who speak in gibberish, they are just mentally ill.
What are your thoughts on Mormons and religions that are not based on you?

Joseph Smith was a flat out despicable conman. Just like the Westboro Batshits, he used Me to assert his own agenda. When I looked into his soul, I was disgusted. You want to know what it was all about?

Pussy. Joseph Smith was horny. He wanted to fuck this woman and her sister. He knew that society wouldn’t let him, so he name dropped Me, in order to found a religion where he was allowed to sleep around. Same thing that Muhammad did. He wanted to bang a child, so he founded a religion on it. Same way any other cult does. Take a look at almost any cult out there. You’ll see a cult leader using his authority to sleep with young women. It’s pedophilia and manipulation.
Well thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk with me. Is there anything else you’d like to mention?

Busy? Please. I’ve had this universe on auto pilot since the third day.



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