You know, at one time, I wasn’t nearly as jaded as I am now. My mom had raised me with the idea that women wanted a caring man to take care of them and save them from their lives. She read countless romance novels that portrayed the male lead as strong and powerful, but sensitive and caring. I knew that I would never be physically strong, so I focused on mental strength and the sensitive and caring side.
My first relationship was a disaster. She was an alcoholic with two kids and was a lot older than me. While the relationship didn’t last that long, it set the course. So over the last decade my relationships have all been mostly fucked up. Whether it was the bipolar woman or the sociopath(s), the end result was always the same. My “caring” would attract the damaged women. My stability would push them away. They would have no problem moving on, and I was left broken. I tried to tell myself that as long as I learned something about either myself or relationships in general, then the experience was worth while. I no longer believe this to be the case. If you shoot yourself in the foot once, you learn from it. If you keep shooting yourself, you are an idiot.
So a few years ago, I took two years off, and decided to adapt and form a new personality of sorts. I became the dominant one. Not necessarily forceful, but at least decisive. I rarely had problems with picking a restaurant. So you would think that this would solve my problems? Nope. I still attracted the same damaged women with daddy issues. It was at this point that I started to think that maybe the problem all along wasn’t me. Perhaps it wasn’t me finding these women. Maybe it was that the women were finding me.
Now, I want to clarify one point real quickly. I’m not saying that all women are messed up. I am only saying that the women that DATE ME are messed up. If they are healthy, they simply won’t date me. I know quite a few women that I think would be perfect for me. They have no drama and no baggage. So naturally they have no interest in me. That said, I seriously think that we as a country have gone through so many generations of broken homes that this is all that’s left. It’s been decade after decade of abusive or neglectful or abandoning fathers, so these women have a certain distrust of men. A few months ago, a woman admitted to me that she and her friends grew up expecting to be single mothers.
We have become conditioned to think that men are all assholes and women are all skanks. That’s all we know, so that’s what we expect. When someone doesn’t fit these “norms” we think of THEM as the exception. How fucked up is that? Instead of striving for healthy relationships, we bounce from one colossal failure to the next. Every woman I have dated hates (if they even know) their father. At the same time, they see me as exactly the same as him. How is it even possible to build a foundation based on that premise?
Now I want to take the blame for a lot here. I know I am hard to handle. I am opinionated. I am resentful for the fact I will never have the life I want. I hate who I am. I distrust those around me. I assume anyone in my life is using me for something. I mean, after all, that’s my pattern. There are two people in my life. Those who used me until I had nothing more to offer and then left, and those who are currently getting something from me. Sure there are exceptions, but not many.
Maybe I have become so disillusioned. Maybe I have become so detached from the rest of mankind. Maybe I just have given up. All I know is that I have resigned myself to being single. It may suck to become content with the loneliness, but at least no one is fucking me over.
Other than myself, anyway.