The Case for Secession

I could have sworn that I’ve ranted about this before, but I guess not.

By now, some of you have seen some variation of the image above. If you google “dumbfuckistan” you’ll find everything from internet memes, to hats, to even panties for some reason. This makes me think of an idea I’ve had for years. Forced secession.

You’ll often hear people from Texas and South Carolina and Mississippi say that the south will rise again. As it stands right now, the most progressive/liberal areas are correlated with higher education, less religiosity, less teen pregnancy, and more inclusive rights. Conversely, conservative areas are correlated with the opposite, often vote against their own best interests, are not only less educated, but are proudly anti education, and ironically, anti freedom.

For instance, the conservative population proclaims that they are for freedom. Obama is going to take away their freedom to own guns. The terrorists hate their freedom. The atheists are trying to take away their religious freedom. You’ve heard the rhetoric before. Yet they are the same ones who advocate against the CHOICE to have an abortion or use a condom, against gay (or any other equal) rights, against facts being taught in school. It seems their “freedom” is the freedom to remain ignorant and in their shallow gene pool.

So my position is simple. We don’t need them. They’re dead weight. They want their country back. Fine. Let’s let them. People say there are two Americas. Ok. Let’s make it official. We could have the United States of America (which would be made up of the coasts, and northern states) and the United States of Murica, which would be made up of the south and midwest.

The best part of this plan is that few people would have to relocate. Now, this is similar to my idea of turning Nebraska into a penal colony, but I found out that George Carlin made a similar joke like 20 years ago, so I had to retire that idea.

Murica would have all the heart land. Where the real Muricans are. They can have whatever theocracy their delusional minds desire. If they want Trump to Make Murica White Again, they could. Abortion would be illegal and family values like incest and closet homosexuality will be their domestic policy. They could build their wall. Muslims and Mexicans would be banned, but without any real education or infrastructure, it’s not like they’d want to go there anyway. America will even pay them to build a wall to protect us from the dirty Muricans (because honestly, how long do you think they’ll be able to keep water filtration units working). What Would Jesus Do would be on all of their money, and Christmas would be the only December Holiday. Christianity would be the official religion. I imagine this would devolve into infighting between the various sects, but let’s leave that for the great Jesus Wars of 2021.

Meanwhile in America, no longer burdened by incompetent halfwits, our education and science programs will improve dramatically. No longer forced to drag Young Earth Creationists, climate change deniers, and Flat Earthers kicking and screaming into the knowledge of the 19th century, our children could actually… you know… learn. We wouldn’t have to waste half a class explaining to little Johnny, that “yes, some people do believe that the universe was made in six days. I know it’s silly, but we have to teach the controversy” nonsense. With women paid an equal amount and the LGBTBBQ547TFSDSDFFS community treated like humans, we can work on fighting racism, though I’m optimistic that this would be a lot easier without the south.

I think I’m onto something here. I think everyone would be happier this way. Everyone would get what they want. Honestly, is there anything the Muricans get from us Americans anyway? Besides their doctors, engineers, and scientists. They don’t trust doctors who “just want to push life saving medications and expensive treatments”, after all. And the engineers? If a bridge collapses, they’ll fix it. Without government standards, because that’s big government. Same goes with roads. Soon they’ll be riding horses, just like the cowboys on TV they always dreamed about being. And scientists? HA! If the Big Bang were true, how come it’s not in the Bible? Checkmate, knowledge.

Now the great part of this idea, is that the Muricans will soon die out. I know, I know. Uneducated people outreproduce smart people, as it is. Without access to birth control, they will quickly over run the area. But here’s the thing. Not only will the massive population expansion quickly deplete their resources, they also love guns and hate vaccines. So how long do you think they’ll survive against their own idiocy? America could stop making guns for like 20 years, wait for the Muricans to annihilate each other, then we could just reclaim the territory, and oh look. A full arsenal.

The more likely outcome, however, is that now that we can focus on worrying about climate change and evolution and science in general, we will start to explore the universe. By the time we are ready to venture out into the galaxy, the Muricans will have turned their country into Mad Max. At which point we just drop the mic and move out into the utopia of Star Trek.